IN THE WORDS OF A GAY MASSEUSE

Wisdom in the most uncanny places.

In the words of a gay masseuse found at a beach-front restaurant:


Me: So do you ever wish to have a family of your own..be with a long-term partner?

GAY MASSEUSE: Oh you mean, have a family, husband, wife, partner..that kind of stuff?

Me: Yes, that's it. We're opening up a little over here in S'pore, right?

GAY MASSEUSE: Well, everyone probably wants to seek love, be loved and in return, to love. I guess, I would to but you see, it sometimes does get a little complicated. Nobody's perfect, I'm not. But responsibility, that's what it takes to be in a relationship.

Me: Yes, I agree with you. So many things can happen any time...

GAY MASSEUSE: Yes, tests..we're constantly going to be tested..by God, if you believe He exists.

Me: But still, you have not answered my question. Do you wish to be in a relationship?

GAY MASSEUSE: I am in one, the permanent kind. Everything else is not. Transient.

Me: Oh?!

GAY MASSEUSE: You see, I've been in a relationship with God. Since I was six or seven. I've been talking to Him. I've asked Him everything imaginable. I can talk to him anywhere, at anytime. Though I can't hear Him talk back, but He's there all the time. You know, I can even talk to him in the bathroom if I need to.

Me: You asked Him questions since you were that young?

GAY MASSEUSE: Since I realised I was different.

Me: And you're not angry? Not angry at Him for allowing you to be different?

GAY MASSEUSE: No, there can only be Love. Anger hurts, kills, destroys. Especially since we all make mistakes too. I was angry earlier on but I'm 44 now and I can't remain angry still. I'm trying my best. There'll be one last question standing for Him. The day I die, I want to know from Him, if I did ok here, whilst I was on this Earth.

Me: Hmm..food for thought. Thanks so much for taking the time to chat with me. I'd never imagine I'd hear this here..from you. But thanks anyway. Think I've found my answer for tonight. I'll try to remember it.

ON THE BRINK OF LOSING

This next entry is dedicated to a dear mate who may be on the brink of losing something precious.

ON THE BRINK OF LOSING

Is there really a choice between my Lord and the man whose love resides deep within my heart? My head tells me this is a rhetoric. There is not even a question as to its answer. Darn, it should be plain obvious! Or is it?

How do I tell my bleeding heart to accept the invincible but invisible Lord over this mortal flesh that fits my body and soul like yin to yang? After years of pain and agony over a life lost to love, hurt and anger, now the rainbow after the rain is also fast receeding.

Is this the Lord's cruel answer that there can be no other but Him in my life? As close as my jugular vein?

But what if what I need is mortal love in flesh, in body, in mind and in spirit? Yes, I abide by your omnipresent power, Oh Lord. I have been told to believe that there can be naught but You. But my flesh is weak and my spirit, weaker. I am past broken, more close to disintegration.

If push comes to shove, it would be most likely that I will be led to choose You. But you know Lord, by then, I will be a walking zombie. Waiting for my body to be laid to rest long after its soul has died. It will be a time when only Your Grace can see me through.

On the brink of this losing, You must be true to Your promise that, "Verily with every burden, there will be ease." You must be true to that for I am dying.

MAMAGORI AS AN INSECT

Should there ever be an instance that this mammal of a kind, Mamagori, ever have to assume another identity as an insect, what would it be?

To my childhood friend, Index Number 24, the following are excerpts from my wandering thought processes. (If I appear incoherent, do not blame me but blame it on me watching Siti's 30-minute engagement and solemnisation, live over my grainy TV3 channel this morning. I still cannot get over the christening of her 'dulang hantarans' with titles from her hit songs. But I applaud her solemnisation dress which looks very much like my own wedding gown six years ago! Ah, good taste? Bad?)

Ok, if this gorrilla of a mother should ever be relegated to a cameo role in your soon-to-be, insect-themed story book, it must fulfill the following criteria.

1) It's got to be the biggest insect alive...I've done some research and the answer is...GOLIATH BEETLE; it is the heaviest by mass (3.5 ounces, 4.5 inches). Granted there would be some difficulty choosing this as THE insect, for the sheer fact, that it is not a household insect. Mind you, it's found somewhere in the Amazonian jungle. I also acknowledge the difficulty of finding its equivalent name in Malay; kumbang goliath? kumbang kembang? kumbang dinasour??

2) It's got to be the smartest insect...erm, now, this would be difficult considering insects are invertebraes, no spinal cords, no brains, not intelligent, full-stop.

3) Ok, ok, if we don't have a Malay name for the biggest insect or the cleverest one, how about changing me into the richest insect? Yes, I know I'm not rich in this life, but in this fantasy world, can I at least be one? How about the bee, with its honey of pure gold? Aisha Lebah?

4) Well, if there is no room for a wandering female queen bee, I don't mind being christened the great flying cockroach, Aisha Lipas Terbang. But on the drawing boards, could you at least give me a nice golden brown colour? Make me fly around and not zit across the gritty kitchen floor? Give me the best brains of the lot? And if I can't be the richest, then at least don't let my character be 'Bygoned' to death, ok?

All right dear friend, I look forward to your maiden attempt at writing Malay children's storybooks. A set of 3, you say? Reserve one for me.

LET'S GET SERIOUS NOW

I promise no more mushy stuff about husbands and tears for now.

We'll talk about sex. No, not morally-sanctioned sex but the rare, mind-blowing kind. The kind, you know, forbidden lovers make with their young and virile bodies under the make-shift tents by the coastal beaches.

From late last month, there's been an initiative by the social services in Singapore to encourage the sexually active, young Malay Singaporeans to abstain from pre-marital and illicit sex. It is also aimed at preventing virgins from ever-being tainted before their dowries are accepted in holy matrimony.

"LEBIH SEXY, KATAKAN TIDAK!"

So, the tagline goes. "It's sexier to say 'No'."

Is it really sexier to say 'No'? Aren't we living in an era where pleasure resides within the temple we call body? What is there to say 'No' to? Say 'no' because my God tells me so? My parents? My teachers? The health scare? The unplanned pregnancy that will be part of a statistic?

I'm pleased that we're able to at least use the three-letter word in public now, without having to subscribe to alternatives like, "hubungan kelamin" or the remote likes of that.

But will our sexually active young ever regard their chastity as sacred and make the change? To abstain from an act that is free of charge (almost) and extremely pleasurable?

I'm really not sure. The hormones residing within these young bodies and minds would probably need a whole lot more to resist the temptation of the evil serpeant. Unless, maybe just maybe, the temple of pleasure has other treasures worth protecting.

Are there self-preserving values worth protecting? Is there a dream that may be thwarted by a love lost in lust? Could there be love other than from that 'one' receptacle? I'd like to think self-esteem, if not, sheer fear would do the trick.

However, gone are the days where Mommy's threats of eternal hellfire, could be heard ringing in your ears the moment nubile skin grazes another. So, that'll leave us with the re-building of self-esteems lost in hurt, abuse, poverty, hate, anger, boredom, ignorance, etc, etc.

I'll let you in on a secret...

I was in real, deep, trouble today. The kind of trouble that would make my in-laws curse at me!

HOW?

All of you are probably squirming in your seats wanting to know what happened or what I did, right?

K.E.P.O.

Good for you.

Curiosity kills the cat, the cat owner and Mother Goose too.

But like you, I will be as equally curious if you quietly sidle up to me saying you're about to let me in on your secret, right?

So, what's your best-kept secret? Come now, don't be shy.

You ask, "What's the best-kept secret I've heard?".

That must be the time I found out that my mother was so jealous of an unmarried but close family friend that she told her to stay away from my father. I remembered nodding my head, confirming what I've known all along, that my mother is prone to the NOT-so-occasional bouts of neurosis. That poor lady's done nothing.

"What's the next best-kept secret I've heard?"

That a certain handsome rouge rugby player who rides a Harley, once thought, I was not only intelligent but attractive in a sexy sort of way..Ah, just thinking about that makes me smile a wide, pearly smile.

Anyway, here was what I was about to do no more than a few moments ago...

I hardly have any spare cash at this moment in time but I thought of secretly abandoning everything this weekend; work, meeting, home and kids...and run away on a plane to meet the man of my dreams, literally, the man of last night's dream.

Don't know what overcome me, but to TIGER AIRWAYS' website I went, and almost purchased that ticket..

I admit, I finally admit...



I MISS MY HUSBAND LAH!


Alas, the strong, almost indestructible, MAMAGORI has finally succumbed to her quiet longing for her 'back-up', 'extra pair of hands', 'not-so-crucial-kind' of husband. You see, I finally have to swallow my words; "It's ok bang. No sweat, I'll be ok. Bibik is here to help me."


Husband,
I need you back here now because I've not banked in the cheques from the last four weeks, not mailed the snail mail with our cheques for the bills, can't find the letterbox keys and almost forgot to empty the bucketful of drainage water from the YAKULT fridge at the office. Help, I need your help, that and your tender loving care too.

Where does my heart beat now?

Where does my heart beat now?

To those who know me, they will find the answer a little awkward.

I'm thinking of my husband, who is away in Indonesia right now. No NOT because he answered, "I want to eat you," to the question, "What would you like to eat when you come home?". I actually had a hearty good laugh to that...MUAHAHAHA...I'll probably see some galaxies at the end of this month but no, I'm not all gooey with love at the idea of sex.

You see, my girl's been missing her Daddy big-time. She had acted out. She had clung on. She's wept like there was no tomorrow, on my chest, wailing, "I want my Daddy. Call him to come home. I want Daddddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!" Gosh! She even went on a retail therapy asking for 2 pairs of shoes in one night; a wedge-heel open-toed one and an imitation pair of CROCs!

I know this girl is big on EQ. She can't quite always tell me what comes after 26 eventhough she knows 7 comes after 6. But she'll know if you've been tired and all you want is a hug. She knows when I'm really shagged or when I'm just being plain ol' lazy. I know her. Coz I think her heart is suspiciously, a lot like mine.

She's demanding when it comes to my time and attention. She bullies her little brother ever so subtly. She's honest on all matters except where her misdeeds are glaring. But most of all, she loves her Daddy to bits. My husband, is the luckiest Man on this earth because his little angel loves him unconditionally. She rests her face in the pure bliss of his underarms because she says it smells a yukky kind of nice.

Because my little angel misses her Daddy so, my heart beats in tune with yours tonight. Since I can't quite bring you home right now, I make a prayer to the Lord above, to bring you safely home soon.

Good night hubby, have a fruitful business trip, return full or empty-handed to the ones whose hearts beat next to yours.

OF BY-LINES & BLOGGING

I am happy to announce firstly to myself and then to the rest of the world that....

I'm finally a published free-lance writer of the only Malay local newpaper and get this: there is an actual by-line in my full, maiden, given name...Ah yes, the same name that I had to look up in my birth certificate years ago when I thought I was adopted. This name has done me justice.

Anyway, I'm probably going to be paid peanuts for a job that was not so much for a monkey as it was for a MAMA GORI..but who cares!!! I am published, I am published...(repeat after the tune, 'you cannot catch me, you cannot catch me, nanny nanny poo poo, you cannot catch me')

Who cares even if my article was sandwiched between the obituaries, advertisements by the Singapore Muslim Casket and a large recruitment ad placed by the Islamic Religious Council of Singapore! Now, you hazard a guess as to what I actually wrote :)

No wonder I did not see 'it' the first time around when I bought that newspaper at nine in the morning. I was primed earlier by the correspondent who actually commissioned the job to me that this Sunday, 13th August, my article would be published. However, when I saw Lebanon on the front cover and a mini trailer of how Datuk K's ex-wife received a windfall, I relegated all hope of being published this weekend, to the wind.

But isn't it all the more sweeter? My blogging and writing life has come full circle. Not even Siti, Datuk K, his ex-wife or a Middle-Eastern War, could oust my maiden article from a spot in the weekend paper. Hah! Never mind that it was the 'page 20, 'Al-fateha' spot. I may never be as accomplished as Bom, a bilingual ex-journalist friend or anywhere close to well-loved Mokciknab, a self-confessed has-been TV journalist.

But today, Mama Gori rejoices in her infant steps on a journey of a million miles. That and my discovery that there are cloth training-diapers for my 5 year-old who is still bed-wetting and a divine reminder that death is the only certainty. (I'm morbid ah, everytime write about death! But no choice what, death happened again in the social circle today. But still thankful, of course, that only 3 families decided to place their ads in today's obituaries. At least that confirmed me a spot. Thanks guys!)