a lullaby..not bella's but aisha's..

Aisha wants to say goodnight to the world.

And the world replies, "Half of me is day and I shall not slumber."

Aisha then says goodnight to the moon.

And the moon says, "I am always here, eyes wide open."

Aisha then bids goodnight to her tired soul.

It then whispers.

"Aisha, when your eyes doth shut, do you know the places you visit?"

"You approach Mom in her deep rest asking for forgiveness for sins past."

"Your soul then returns to be right by your children's side, asking them to never forget the moments when only innocence envelops the three of you, not anger, fear or emptiness."

"You then inch ever so slowly to him, wondering how lonely he feels, at the same time, yearning to make it all go away because you can't stand to worry if a kin is dying or hurting."

"And then you waltz to the Promised Land, still not daring to walk past his borders."

"But last of all, before you finally slumber, you lie prostrate, in the Light of Him, and you sob a plea for Him to never ever leave you ever again."

I do remember..

I do remember the day my heart was tugged by a force so strong, I knew instinctively, my world has collapsed.

I had no concrete evidence but it was my instinct whispering a dire call.

I remembered Ernie holding me tight in that cramped staff toilet and I knew the only life I have, would change.

And now, as I approach the moment when the dust can finally settle, my tears are making a headway...they've broken free again.

It'll probably be a few more hours before my mind understands the origin of these tears..

I'm only guessing it's because I'm finally home alone.

As alone as a single lady can get.

Alone. To think. To feel.

I believe, its not loneliness that I'm weeping for.

I weep for a loss, so great..for a family has fallen..and now, like Humpty Dumpty, it must mend itself again.

I'm not relying on all the king's horses or all the king's men..

It's with these two hands, with God Everlasting held close to my heart...

Aisha shall rebuild together again.

ATIQAH'S RITE OF PASSAGE

Dearest Atiqah,

Here's an open letter for you, my first-born.

Hours ago, at approximately 11am, on the 24th of July 2010, on a day so promising, I brought you into CCK McDonald's toilet, only to find that you are no longer just a baby. No longer, just my baby.

I know you were petrified. You think it's all a mix-up. You cried in my arms asking if you'd ever be able to fast again. And I held you tight, reassuring you that all will be fine because today, from this moment on, you will someday be able to have babies like the way I had you.

That, it all begins with a moment like this, when your body shows signs that it is ready to turn you into a woman.

And now, now that I've finally managed to let you sleep in my arms after I've rubbed away the ache that you've mistaken for signs of bowel movements, finally, finally, Mummy, finds the words to describe her emotions.

Baby,

It was only 9 and a half years ago that I laid eyes on you and you were swaddled in a pink blanket and you looked at me, all blissful and from henceforth, I know, my baby, you'll forever be.

But I guess, at that time, as time stood still, I had no understanding that a moment like this will come.

Yes, I thought it was a rite of passage the first day I sent you in the school bus to kindy..

And then came the day, you graduated from kindy..

Then once again, I remember the day when it was your first day of primary school or the first time you came on stage to enact a skit for Teachers' Day...

But nothing prepared me for this..Your first step in your rite of passage...

Today, as your mummy, I suddenly see a future that may possibly unfold for you.

The day you graduate from formal schooling...

The first day you step out to meet your employer..

Or the day you set up your own business..

Or the day you'll take an airplane all by yourself.

Or the day you packed your bags to move into your own pad...

Or the day you marry..

Or the day that you don't and you tell me you'd rather circle the Earth..

Or the day that you announce that you've found your one true love and that you no longer want to circle the Earth but instead stay rooted where Home is..

Or the day you didn't find that true love but you've found instead a passion that you hold so true..

Or the day you say you are pregnant..

Or the day that you say you'd adopt..

Or the day that you'd say.."Look Mama, I'm all grown-up..."

And on those days, I hope..I will be able to say to you...

Darling Atiqah,

I've tried the BEST way I know how to model for you, a thing or two or more, of what it means to be a woman...a righteous, courageous and beautiful woman. But most of all, I hope, I have had the honour of guiding you to be a liberated woman..for that was what I'd named you..Light of Liberation. And that I pray that I have done everything, to the best of my ability, as your mother, to love you and to receive love from you. And now, it's your turn to carry your own torch, to do by what is right for you and those dear and cherished around you, so help you God."

Today I am reminded again of my duties to uphold, as your mother, while Time is still on my side. Remind me if I forget.


Love,
Mama

In light of aloneness

Alone-ness.

An art to master.

An art, once, my craft.

Not anymore.

Coz when I look at you.

You appear just like a dream to me.

Coz when I look at you.

I derive inspiration.

And when you are gone.

I can't help but feel alone..and lonely.

Random Rainy Day Thoughts

Hey the rain was here juz now. It's 27th Ramadan. My official wedding anniversary. According to the Islamic calendar, we must have been married 11 years. He's not here. I'm not there. We are nowhere near each other...at least, not for me.



The Bedok family convenes today. I will come alone, sans kids, sans maid, sans LAKI.



I will reveal THE NEWS.



For what reason I ask myself? To inform, educate, raise funds? Probably to seek blessings. The prodigal child returns to ask for blessings from estranged family members..not so much physical as it is emotional, spiritual even.

And then this heart longs for the blessings of elderly ones closer to heart..the Boon Lay folks. But Yai's dementia makes it difficult to begin to tell the story. He would probably worry himself sick.

So I guess, I do the mandatory Bedok dance..dance with the skeletons in my closet.

I feel numb except for the thoughts of my close ones.

Trying shoes.

Counting pennies.

Drinking water to wash down the searing cut-chillies in my throat.

The motillum sitting in my car.

The thoughts of KL, Malaysia.

My over-pronation. My knee. My back. My aching heart closed asunder in perfect fortification.

O Lord in Heaven..forgive me for a Ramadan marred with distractions. But I believe You will forgive me. Amin.

IS it EVER possible?

is it ever possible for numb to do itself away?

for dumb to seek enlightenment?

for anger to sizzle, fizzle and then die down?

will there ever be a way for love to find its way?

to undo a lifetime of searing pain

and uphold a future of promise.

tough call.

Ode to David Cook

hey there David,

ur voice croons de abyss i call my gut

ur voice like sandpaper smoothes all de aches n pains

n i rehearse..'when u find u, come back to me' over n over n over again

cld u add this phrase, 'if u r still in a muddle..leave me alone?'

pretty please,

david,

my soul's male companion now.

and yeah,

thanks.